My Existence...

It’s really different today here in the office. This is the very first time that I experienced no work and just relaxing time. Yes, it is because of the Thanksgiving holiday in the US. It started yesterday that we just do some of the requests and on the latter part we get to goof around. I really enjoy being here… New friends, new work and of course new adventure! Yippee!!! I still have a lot of things to do ‘because I haven’t reached at least half of the book I need to read and the forms that needs to be submitted, I’m slacking… I know! Just really need to have some rest and will be back on track. I should prepare my schedule for next week and make sure to follow it or else. Christmas is near and I haven’t thought of the gifts to buy for my loved ones… I’m thinking to just buy them when I get back to Jakarta next year, because there a lot of cute stuff there which are cheaper so I get to buy them more. Although I am not quite sure if I will be joining my mom and dad since the fare is a bit high already and we don’t have a specific date yet, since it will depend on my big brother’s schedule. Hopefully, on the second week of February so I can get to use my holiday. Think…think… I need to get back to work… Just slip up here to update.

I feel like writing something but can’t seem to know where to start or what to write about. I know there are a lot of things inside me right now that I want to let out but I end up keeping it inside. I have always wanted to write and be good at it somehow... To be focus right now is somehow difficult for me, I know I need to unwind and be relaxed... I really hope that I can go on a short vacation just to be able to free my mind so I can finish everything that I have started... It’s been 6 months since I got back and I haven’t even reached half of what I need to do. GRRR!!! Anyone, please help me think of a place where I can have a relaxing moment? Badly need it...

In life, we have to make decisions. We are afraid that it will upset someone. It is difficult because whatever decisions you make there is someone that will feel pain, someone that will not understand what you did or why you did it. Chances are those that can’t or won’t understand will blame you, will put every little mistake on you without even thinking of the efforts you have exerted. Those little sweet nothings you made, the attention you have given. They say that you have to use your brain to make decision, rational ones but what if you are confused? And what if it’s the matters of the heart? I believe that it is better to just follow your heart, listen to what is within you and then balance it, think it through, then let it out... I know that it’s easier said than done in spite of this, there should be something that you have to come out with... the final verdict!

The only thing that is constant is... Change! All of us have accepted the fact that everything around us will change, plants will wither, animals will be extinct and humans will perish. In our everyday lives, we notice that even in a very little thing that’s happening there is change... Can we stop it? Avoid it? Probably! But there is no guarantee that the outcome will be favorable for us, however, there is one thing you surely be doing, BE READY! Indeed it’s hard, grueling or whatever you consider it to be never the less, we should believe in ourselves that we can make it to the end of the dark tunnel.

In every change that you experience in life, there will be times when you’ll wonder if you can endure. But you’ll learn that facing each difficulty one by one it’s so hard. It’s when you don’t deal with a situation that it sometimes comes back to confront you again.

Changes are sometimes very painful, but they teach us that we can endure and that we can become stronger. Everything that comes into your life has a purpose, but the outcome is in your hands by the action you take. Be wise with your life, be willing to endure and always be willing to face life’s challenges.

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on
staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the
meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters

Whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave the past the moments
of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving
relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to
live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell
yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things
that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just
like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your
parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister,
everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on
with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even
when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed
will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that
feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an
affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of
coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is
why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs,
move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you
have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the
invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of
certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take
their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this
life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not
expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,
your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on
your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the
one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only
poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are
broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions
that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter
is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has
passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could
live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit
is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it
is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply
because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record,
clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change
into who you are.

After more than a year of fighting and coping for the pain suddenly, it stroke like a bolt of lightning. Every pain I felt in the past was relived, I can’t understand but tears pour down my cheeks once again. I really can’t describe how painful it is, I don’t know what I would do, the more I am confused. There are a lot of things I want to say right now but I don’t know where to start. A lot of feelings I want to release from within. I went through a lot and I thought that everything is over but I guess I am still in the road of healing. I am scared of how long this will take. I fear the thought of being like this forever. I fear of being afraid for the rest of my life. The apprehension of love has been there since then. If it will go away I am not sure, will I overcome it? I don’t know either, I hope so.