My Existence...

In life, we have to make decisions. We are afraid that it will upset someone. It is difficult because whatever decisions you make there is someone that will feel pain, someone that will not understand what you did or why you did it. Chances are those that can’t or won’t understand will blame you, will put every little mistake on you without even thinking of the efforts you have exerted. Those little sweet nothings you made, the attention you have given. They say that you have to use your brain to make decision, rational ones but what if you are confused? And what if it’s the matters of the heart? I believe that it is better to just follow your heart, listen to what is within you and then balance it, think it through, then let it out... I know that it’s easier said than done in spite of this, there should be something that you have to come out with... the final verdict!

After more than a year of fighting and coping for the pain suddenly, it stroke like a bolt of lightning. Every pain I felt in the past was relived, I can’t understand but tears pour down my cheeks once again. I really can’t describe how painful it is, I don’t know what I would do, the more I am confused. There are a lot of things I want to say right now but I don’t know where to start. A lot of feelings I want to release from within. I went through a lot and I thought that everything is over but I guess I am still in the road of healing. I am scared of how long this will take. I fear the thought of being like this forever. I fear of being afraid for the rest of my life. The apprehension of love has been there since then. If it will go away I am not sure, will I overcome it? I don’t know either, I hope so.

The Sunshine that stains the wood is fleeting, moving restlessly. The shadows of leaves dance on my bed, at play among the green leaf prints on soft cotton. I saw a glimpse of your head gently turning on my pillow leaving a slight indentation. Perhaps that was your leg beneath the rumpled white blanket that I pulled against me or the crook of your arm warm near my cheek as I shifted to listen to the wind. I watch the restless sky outside my curtained window imagining the darkness that will shroud the crescent moon tonight. This afternoon will walk past my door at dusk in the same path you used when you left.

It is normal for you to think of someone, who has been with you for a long time... Someone that has been with you all through out and losing that someone will leave you pain, still you remember... Good or bad, happy or sad... You sometimes won't be able to control it and will sometimes cause you tears and pain within... But you don't have to regret things that happened for there is always a reason and God always has his reasons for letting things turn that way... Be thankful because there is a brighter future awaits you... Don't live in the past just remember it or think of the future so much... Just live today because it is a gift that's why it is called the PRESENT!